Miss Independent,

Standing on the edge of my world trying to find some peace, it was there I realised that the space I needed was the space from my own thoughts.
So consumed with the idea of loneliness I have spent weeks pondering my own future. Honestly terrified that I might have to do it alone. Those of you who know me would know that it is not something that I like to admit. Miss Independent. Well I won't let you down, because all of a sudden I realised... I have become complacent with my life. Living in a beige world. I am lonely because I am bored. With this realisation the whole world became smaller and more accessible and all the colours just came out of the box. Something big is on its way, and I am going to get myself out there to go and stage a run in, wearing something fabulous of course! Thank Goodness that Christmas sales are just around the corner! Looks like this girl is going to need some new shoes!
I just smiled and hugged myself and said goodbye to Miss Dependant.

Rawsome

After a couple of weeks of struggle I have decided to give myself a little push again and set me back along the road to Zen. 

Starting Monday I am going to commit to 4 days of a Raw diet. You might think that 4 days is a bit strange, but I am going to commit with every inch of me for those 4 days and hopefully find something interesting on the other side. 

This idea all stemmed from something I said. 'I don't think I could do raw, I just love baked beans so much'. Every vegan just cringed. It is a constant, yes, even for me who has been Vegan just over a month. 'I could never go Vegan, I just love cheese too much'. Just merely an excuse to not even try. So I decided that I was going to ditch the beans and give it a real go. I'll keep you posted on some recipes and let you know how it goes. 

Sex

An interesting thing about this challenge is how people have reacted to my 60 day commitment to complete celibacy. So I thought I would just put it all out there and explain my reasons for making this particular choice. 

As we grow up, we watch TV, read magazines, walk the streets, and although we may not be aware of it, we are being subjected to these hyper-sexualised images of women. We are raised to think of this as sexuality. The casual positioning of the arm or the leg, the shapes, the colours. Our whole introduction to sexuality is predetermined by a group of marketing specialist trying to sell us a product. The problem being that sexuality isn't something to be purchased. It lays down a foundation of instability because we never fully understand this ''product'' we are being sold and also leads us to believe that our sexual encounters rely heavily on the position of the arm or the leg, the hair, the colour, not allowing us to fully experience or understand our own feelings. It also grants us to believe that our sexuality is something to be advertised in a shop window, something to be open about, providing the positioning is right. Now, just to clarify, when I talk about sexuality, I am going to talk about being sexually active, but I understand that there are varying degrees of sexuality, not all of which involve sex. 

So this is introduction to sexuality 101. Most of us were teens when we first had sex and because we didn't have the mental maturity to handle sex, we just went with what we thought we knew. But then we came across this new thing which contradicts everything the media was telling us. Shaming. We like to call is slut-shaming. Society, our parents, our peers, judging and shaming us for having a sexuality. Pushing us into a further corner and limiting our access to information and our freedom to experiences, all in fear of this S word. 

So now we are in our early 20's, stuck somewhere between misinformed and going insane. This is a prime period for development and learning and we are vacillating between opposing concepts. Our sexuality posted and pretty on the walls of the street, or it being hidden in our bed side drawer. What do we do? 

This was where this whole 60 day challenge idea stemmed from. I kid you not. I was so exhausted from making poor sexual decisions and being stuck in this tug of war. I decided to strip myself of any sexuality in the hope that I might find a sexual identity. Having a sexual identity is the long term goal, in the interim I mostly want to learn how to communicate and interact with people without our sexualities being the elephant in the room. The obsession to go one way or the other creates so much pressure that we forget that we need human interaction to create our other identities and I want to get to know people again, learn about them, and not have my sexuality the forethought in every interaction with a potential mate. 

So closing in on day 30 I can tell you that the need for sexual pleasure has lessened. I will still joke and laugh about the fact that I haven't masturbated in 30 days! That's a whole month. I haven't had sex in almost 6 months and after I am done laughing, I will feel okay with these facts. 

I have many opinions when it comes to this topic. Including the different experience for girls and boys when growing up to have a sexuality, infantilization of women for more sexual desire, the porn industry and what a mess that is. But I hope the above explanation gives you a good idea of where I am heading and where I stand in making this decision.  

Are we feeling zen yet?

We are coming close to the 30 day mark and I keep asking myself, Lauren, do you feel zen yet?

To be frank... the answer is no.

Exasperated and a little bit grumpy I have been waiting for zen to just happen. Alas, not going to just happen. And to be honest, I am not so naive to think it will just appear in front of me like my weekly subscription to Vogue, but I was hoping something might have changed or progressed positively in this time.

I have arrived at a place where I am questioning all my decisions. Its like I have climbed half way up Everest and I am trying to decide whether the peak is really going to be that spectacular. I mean it is a lot of work to get up to the summit and what happens if I reach it and someone else's flag is already dug deep in. Would it have all been in vein? Should I just start back down the hill?

I wish I was being less negative about this experience and accepting that there is so much baggage to dump before boarding the plane to Zen. The weight in the bag will lessen gradually and with each week I will gain a more positive perspective. And in the meantime I will just continue along to the terminal, letting the feelings guide me through the next 30 days.

Identity Crisis

I'm having an identity crisis. My 60 day challenge embodies mind, body and spirit and I feel as though they are wandering different astral planes at the moment.

Waking in the middle of the night in sweats after having another vivid nightmare, I tear the images back one by one and try to construct an answer or an understanding of what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Remembering the dreams are like holding water in my cupped hands, it lingers, but eventually it finds the crack and slips away. The words and images escape me but the feelings cling to me, persistent, a nagging reminder that something is not right.

Meditation helps, but I honestly haven't reached the part where meditation means silence from my own chatter. Its a constant blah up there and no amount of self reasoning can calm the conversations. 

I am in a place between now and tomorrow. Now I am who I am, someone who I am closely acquainted with, but tomorrow is someone who is learning and growing and becoming a different individual. I am terrified. After standing stagnant in one attitude for so long, exploring the world from this perspective has left me blind sighted. 

The detox process leaves you crippled. Not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually, but I know this is the hardest part, tomorrow gets brighter and leads me to a better place of understanding.

I promise to be more diligent in blogging my progress and will start sharing some of my delicious, vegan recipes.

And so it begins...

So today is the first day of '60 Days of Zen'.

I ate a dozen eggs in preparation for the next 60 days without. I made lemon meringue pie and chocolate brownies. Woke up this morning really excited for the next two months, but also a little nervous. I have received so much support from my friends and I am so glad that they will be here if things get tough.

Week 1 challenge is to go to the Fresh Food markets and buy 1 of everything I don't know and then cook with it and eat it.

So excited

Stay Tuned...

60 Days of Zen

I have been feeling a bit flat lately. Like I have been steam rolled with emotion. So I have decided to embark on a new challenge.

60 Days of Zen.

Goal : Zen

Challenge: 60 days committed to the following
- Vegan Diet
- No Alcohol
- Juicing
- Minimizing my intake of preservatives
- Meditation once a day
- Abstaining from All sexual activity
- Reading something once a day. Including poetry, news, books, quotes.
- Blogging about my experiences and my journey every 3 days
- No Coffee
- No negativity to the best of my ability
- Spending as much time as possible getting down with mother nature
- seeing a naturopath to get my daily dose of vitamins sorted

Its about spiritually cleansing as well as physically cleansing. It's time to change habits and start a new and exciting journey. Learning about myself, my body and healing. I want to commit to my Reiki and just find myself spiritually again. No excuses.

Clock starts Monday 14th  October.