Monday, 27 May 2013

An Honest Encounter

So I have been spending a lot of time trying to find motivation for my new post. I really want to share the party I did on the weekend but every time I put something down in writing it sounds like blah blah cupcake, blah blah boring.
Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks to the face. Motivation. Motivation....
Even the word confuses me and to be truthful I am not talking solely about the motivation to write or to create. I mean the motivation that gets you out of bed in the morning and makes you do something with your life.
Let me tell you a little something about myself. I am a stubbornly independent woman, and yet the only person I am constantly trying to convince of that is myself. It is not logical. I have the motivation one day to get up and get the job done and then the next day I can hardly convince myself to get out of bed at all.

September 7 2012 was my 23rd birthday and the day that I consider I officially turned my life around. Sick of pathetic people swarming my existence I turned my back on the negativity and I thought that it was forever. I changed my lifestyle, my attitude and reaped the benefits of it. And then just like that old habits started to slowly make there way back in, negative friends started to inhabit my social outings, bad choices became regular choices. What happened? I'm serious, what the heck happened?
You know I woke up one morning and looked at myself in the mirror and realized that the person I was looking at, wasn't the person I knew. It is terrifying some mornings getting up and not know what person you will be faced with. I mean is this a turning point that every 20 something year old faces, or is this a life long battle that I will constantly have to fight. To be the person I am constantly battling against, or to be the person I want to be.
I have this one friend who is just amazing. He inspires me every time he opens his mouth, he has faced battles in his life that I couldn't even begin to comprehend and yet he always appears to be this amazingly strong willed pioneer of greatness. And I know we are told from a young age that we can be whoever we want to be. Is that really true? I believe that the mind is the most powerful tool, but how on earth do I take control of it. How can I truly be a believer that my mind is the most powerful tool I own when I spend so much time up there playing tug of war.
I was given a pretty sharp reality check when I was a kid, overhearing a conversation about my dreams and hopes and the realities of it coming true. It still stings to think that someone close to me didn't believe that I could be what I wanted to be, and it changed my ideas on life for such a long time. I felt so sorry for myself that I didn't have support to be what I wanted to be, the only thing I was good at. It made me be independent because it was a reminder that you only have you. I must admit that as I have grown older I have faced this demon and mostly put it to rest. I take the sting and accept it as a challenge and yet I still find myself struggling to fully and honestly believe myself. Holding on to some of the resentment that has held its own in my emotions for such a long time. And on the note why is it that the people we are closest to are the first ones we hurt. Is this human nature or am I just an asshole?
I have So many beliefs in life, like you get what you put out and what goes around comes around and some things happen for a reason. And yet when I look at my life I am terrified by those very beliefs because if they are true then I don't really like my reflection.
Please don't misunderstand, I have some wonderful people in my life that a cherish with every ounce of me, but I do fear the reflection.
It scares me posting this tonight, it is very honest and a little disjointed and I fear says a lot about me which could be judged, about the person I am and my many insecurities. I promise to share the party with you super soon, it was a truly magical night and will not be forgotten any time soon.

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