So I have been spending a lot of time trying to find motivation for my new post. I really want to share the party I did on the weekend but every time I put something down in writing it sounds like blah blah cupcake, blah blah boring.
Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks to the face. Motivation. Motivation....
the word confuses me and to be truthful I am not talking solely about
the motivation to write or to create. I mean the motivation that gets
you out of bed in the morning and makes you do something with your life.
me tell you a little something about myself. I am a stubbornly
independent woman, and yet the only person I am constantly trying to
convince of that is myself. It is not logical. I have the motivation one
day to get up and get the job done and then the next day I can hardly
convince myself to get out of bed at all.
2012 was my 23rd birthday and the day that I consider I officially
turned my life around. Sick of pathetic people swarming my existence I
turned my back on the negativity and I thought that it was forever. I
changed my lifestyle, my attitude and reaped the benefits of it. And
then just like that old habits started to slowly make there way back in,
negative friends started to inhabit my social outings, bad choices
became regular choices. What happened? I'm serious, what the heck
You know I woke up one morning and looked at myself in
the mirror and realized that the person I was looking at, wasn't the
person I knew. It is terrifying some mornings getting up and not know
what person you will be faced with. I mean is this a turning point that
every 20 something year old faces, or is this a life long battle that I
will constantly have to fight. To be the person I am constantly battling
against, or to be the person I want to be.
I have this one friend
who is just amazing. He inspires me every time he opens his mouth, he
has faced battles in his life that I couldn't even begin to comprehend
and yet he always appears to be this amazingly strong willed pioneer of
greatness. And I know we are told from a young age that we can be
whoever we want to be. Is that really true? I believe that the mind is
the most powerful tool, but how on earth do I take control of it. How
can I truly be a believer that my mind is the most powerful tool I own
when I spend so much time up there playing tug of war.
given a pretty sharp reality check when I was a kid, overhearing a
conversation about my dreams and hopes and the realities of it coming
true. It still stings to think that someone close to me didn't believe
that I could be what I wanted to be, and it changed my ideas on life for
such a long time. I felt so sorry for myself that I didn't have support
to be what I wanted to be, the only thing I was good at. It made me be
independent because it was a reminder that you only have you. I must
admit that as I have grown older I have faced this demon and mostly put
it to rest. I take the sting and accept it as a challenge and yet I
still find myself struggling to fully and honestly believe myself.
Holding on to some of the resentment that has held its own in my
emotions for such a long time. And on the note why is it that the people
we are closest to are the first ones we hurt. Is this human nature or
am I just an asshole?
I have So many beliefs in life, like you get
what you put out and what goes around comes around and some things
happen for a reason. And yet when I look at my life I am terrified by
those very beliefs because if they are true then I don't really like my
Please don't misunderstand, I have some wonderful
people in my life that a cherish with every ounce of me, but I do fear
the reflection...my reflection.
It scares me posting this
tonight, it is very honest and a little disjointed and I fear says a lot
about me which could be judged, about the person I am and my many insecurities. I promise to share the party with you super soon, it was a truly magical night and will not be forgotten any time soon.